Sometimes, I just don’t know why I even bother writing anymore. I should stop talking about writing too, because it attracts all sorts of curiosity at first about what exactly I am writing. But when I put things out, it turns out no one is actually interested. This is part of the reason why I deleted 367 people from my personal Facebook page this week. I’m getting really fed up with all the fake encouragement I get from people concerning my writing, and then when I put something out they’re nowhere to be found or have better things to do than read what I’ve written. So why should I have 367 people on my personal facebook page who I don’t actually know all up in my personal business when only about 5 of them can be bothered to actually read my blog updates (either here or on Tumblr) or read my short stories? I’m not a personality to be collected on Facebook, and I’m not living my life solely just to entertain people. What I don’t get is why there is more of an interest in my personal life and my facebook posts than the stories and blogs that I have written specifically to be read and consumed by other people?
I don’t know why I bother with modeling either. I’m not really getting many paying gigs anymore, nor do my photos get much attention outside of attracting the occasional stranger online who thinks that social networks are solely for hitting on people who have it written on their profiles that they are “in a relationship”. I am just fed up and contemplating ending my modeling activities all together, because my intentions with it are not to attract people who can’t go to a bar for some reason to hit on people, nor are they just for me to look at. I only have a portfolio of images of myself because I need the fucking money. And if no one wants to pay me/think that I should just cover all the hundreds of dollars of traveling expenses on my own so that they can expand their portfolio, then I see no point in having a modeling portfolio. I see no point in working in that industry anymore.
I just feel stuck. I am stuck in a writer’s block and can’t go further with the plot of my novel for some reason. I am stuck between regular gigs and no longer getting offers for gigs that I could actually make a living off of. I have one more page to write of my German essay and I have nothing for it. I just feel like such a failure. And then the fact that I update this blog–or try to–fairly regularly and I hear absolutely nothing from anyone. I see there are activities on it, but it seems like no one has anything to say to me? Questions? Comments? Complaints? Insults? Etc.? I am paranoid that I am just talking to a bunch of spambots. . .