I Know you are Reading this. . .Why don’t you ever say anything?

Sometimes, I just don’t know why I even bother writing anymore. I should stop talking about writing too, because it attracts all sorts of curiosity at first about what exactly I am writing. But when I put things out, it turns out no one is actually interested. This is part of the reason why I deleted 367 people from my personal Facebook page this week. I’m getting really fed up with all the fake encouragement I get from people concerning my writing, and then when I put something out they’re nowhere to be found or have better things to do than read what I’ve written. So why should I have 367 people on my personal facebook page who I don’t actually know all up in my personal business when only about 5 of them can be bothered to actually read my blog updates (either here or on Tumblr) or read my short stories? I’m not a personality to be collected on Facebook, and I’m not living my life solely just to entertain people. What I don’t get is why there is more of an interest in my personal life and my facebook posts than the stories and blogs that I have written specifically to be read and consumed by other people?

I don’t know why I bother with modeling either. I’m not really getting many paying gigs anymore, nor do my photos get much attention outside of attracting the occasional stranger online who thinks that social networks are solely for hitting on people who have it written on their profiles that they are “in a relationship”. I am just fed up and contemplating ending my modeling activities all together, because my intentions with it are not to attract people who can’t go to a bar for some reason to hit on people, nor are they just for me to look at. I only have a portfolio of images of myself because I need the fucking money. And if no one wants to pay me/think that I should just cover all the hundreds of dollars of traveling expenses on my own so that they can expand their portfolio, then I see no point in having a modeling portfolio. I see no point in working in that industry anymore.

I just feel stuck. I am stuck in a writer’s block and can’t go further with the plot of my novel for some reason. I am stuck between regular gigs and no longer getting offers for gigs that I could actually make a living off of. I have one more page to write of my German essay and I have nothing for it. I just feel like such a failure. And then the fact that I update this blog–or try to–fairly regularly and I hear absolutely nothing from anyone. I see there are activities on it, but it seems like no one has anything to say to me? Questions? Comments? Complaints? Insults? Etc.? I am paranoid that I am just talking to a bunch of spambots. . .

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14 thoughts on “I Know you are Reading this. . .Why don’t you ever say anything?

  1. amberskyef says:

    If it’s any comfort, I’ve always found Facebook to be an awful platform for authors. Even the best writers I’ve seen only have like 100 or 300 Likes, compared to the thousands on their Twitters or blogs. Tumblr is a really bad platform too for trying to get people to read your stuff. People on Tumblr are too concerned with their own lives (it’s a very whine-y website).

    As for getting more people to read your blog, do you go to your readers instead of expecting them to go to you? I will go into tags, read people’s stuff, and leave deep, thoughtful comments. Those people will in turn follow me back if they like my website and what I have to say. And they will often read subsequent posts of mine and like or comment or even link to what I have to say. I also make sure to have as many tags as possible to reach out to a wider audience and have a stronger SEO. But I do not do my posts with the expectation that people will even want to read or comment on what I have. I did that the first two weeks I started blogging and saw nary a follower or a comment. It wasn’t until I started going to them did I begin to see growth.

    But I do not expect anyone from Facebook or any other platform to read my stuff because Facebook posts drown in one another. People on Tumblr want posts right there usually, not a link they have to click on because then that is defeating the purpose of Tumblr if you want to use it as a marketing platform–which you should be using to market yourself and not your blog or website.

    You need to depend on wordpress and wordpress alone to build a following at first. Or for people to read your stuff.

    • nikkibausch says:

      Well, I just typed out a really long response and the text box suddenly refreshed and deleted every single thing I had just written, so this will be much shorter than the original reply I had intended to give you.

      I am mostly just frustrated because I am stuck in a “multi-story” writer’s block and it is one of the worst writer’s blocks I’ve had in a long time. I am wondering if the amount of pushing and work I will have to do to get myself out of a funk is even worth it when my beta readers tend to disappear when I have something out for them to read, but reappear when I change my relationship status on facebook or get tagged in someone’s party photos.
      Typically, I write and started writing (when I was a kid) because I couldn’t find the exact type of book that I wanted to read, and found that my imagination entertained me far more than someone else’s. After having my work ungraciously ripped apart in the last “Creative” Writing course I took, the fact that I find my thoughts more interesting than others’ thoughts is what keeps me writing. (I know that sounds kind of narcissistic, and I apologize for that.)
      I also just find it baffling that my email lists all sorts of activity going on on my blog but during the year and a half that I’ve had it up, I’ve only heard from 3 people. I also keep a blog because I appreciate hearing other people’s thoughts and having conversations (even if that is at odds with the reason why I still write).
      I try to comment on at least 2 blogs a day on WordPress and find myself reading a lot of interesting articles, so I mark “like” on them. I understand the importance of interacting with other bloggers on here. But I rarely hear from them again. . .so I am wondering if perhaps I am targeting the wrong kinds of blogs.
      As for my Tumblr, I started it one day when I was bored during my exchange year in Austria just to see what it was all about. Eventually, it’s become just a means for me to share my travel photos and musical experiences, and also some of my modeling work, so mostly photography and small captions. I also like to re-post oddities and interesting articles and photos on it. It’s more there for fun. I actually have a decent following on my Tumblr at the moment. The problem is, I can’t compete with the porn tumblrs and all the high school kids stealing images from legitimate artists and re-posting them with silly fandom commentaries. If I made my Tumblr posts revolve solely around that, I bet I would end up with a greater audience on there, but it’s not what I want to spend my time on. As for Twitter, I can never think of anything to say on there. The character limit is frustrating and I tend to be long-winded in my thoughts

      • amberskyef says:

        You could be targeting the wrong blogs and audience. Since my blog is about my writing life and mental health, I target those blogs. I yield followers from those, as well as people interested in coming back for more of my blog posts. As with Tumblr, psh…I gave up trying to get an audience from them. I really want teen followers, but the ones on Tumblr seem narcissistic in the bad way. I noticed my posts where I posted the dark thoughts one can get from a mental illness were popular, but the ones where I mentioned anything good weren’t. I gave up on it. And with Twitter, most people have no idea how to use it, so any tweet I post gets lost in the sea of spam that is people trying to advertise their wares. I still use Twitter though just because my publisher wants me to have one, but I don’t get a whole lot of traffic from them. So I depend on wordpress and writing forums to advertise myself. I might get back to Tumblr, but Tumblr wants you to accomplish remarkable feats before it pays attention to you–like when I mentioned I got a book contract I got some decent attention.

      • nikkibausch says:

        Yeah, today’s teens seem to glamorize mental illness and internal suffering. You’ll also gain some popularity on there if you post about cutting yourself too. But teens were like that when I was a teen, and I don’t really understand how this culture really came about exactly. (I mean, very few of them reference Emily Dickinson or Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath or any of the other female authors who have been celebrated solely for the works they’ve come up with while having nervous breakdowns. I also read an article written by a teen on mibba.com yesterday evening discussing how nowadays it’s so easy for kids to be diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder and be put on pills in the United States. (You almost never see any children in Europe who have been diagnosed with a personality disorder or who are being called down to the nurse’s office to take a pill twice a day.) I think there is a lot wrong with this particular part of American culture, and I think it also contributes to the negative attitudes we see in teens lately. We’re not teaching our kids to appreciate life and believe in themselves. We’re teaching them to depend on pills and that they are mentally unstable if they think a single thought or want to do something that isn’t endorsed by the media.
        On WordPress, I only follow other writers’ blogs, writing type blogs (not necessarily owned by professional writers or people working in that industry. . .but just people who enjoy writing as a hobby), and travel blogs. Like I said, I do get a lot of activity on my blog page, I just don’t hear very many thoughts from the people reading what I’ve written. I am afraid that they think I bite. 😦

      • amberskyef says:

        The triggering images sicken me on Tumblr. These teens claim they help them cope, but they really don’t. They’re only reinforcing the thing they’re positing. I know when I self-harmed, picture of cutting made me want to do it even more. Or when I was struggling with suicidal ideation, those pics made me think of it more. If they were helping, you would be better now wouldn’t you? I think I’m just gong to write a post on Tumblr and tell them I basically quit, that I’ll be an advice blog only and perhaps write about my accomplishments from time to time.

        But I think you need more tags so you can get a wider audience. I notice you don’t use a whole lot of tags. You might also want to try commenting on more than two blogs a day to really get people to interact with you.

      • nikkibausch says:

        Yes, I think I will try using more tags. Sometimes though, I just run out of ideas and am not sure what else could be vaguely linked to my post.

  2. Jack Woe says:

    Hi,

    A tip to help with writer’s block I read somewhere: Interview your characters. The blog I found had some example questions, but since I don’t have the link handy, I guess your googling powers are as good as mine C:

    Good luck with your writing,

    Jack

    • nikkibausch says:

      Thank you for the tip. I may try that. Yesterday, I ended up writing any and every silly thought my character could have been thinking in the particular seen I was working on and it kind of got the scene moving along a bit, but we’ll see what I think when I re-read this section of the book and decide what stays and goes.
      And actually, I used a similar technique (but with a survey) to develop this particular character back when I thought her story would be just a short story.

  3. hope the tide will surge in soon!

  4. Sorry for not replying sooner, Nikki.

    Unfortunately, I really don’t know what to say that hasn’t could help you out here. You’ve just gotta do what you think is right.

    For what it’s worth, I’ve always enjoyed your work.

  5. I find that expectations cause me great discomfort so Ii am working on being in the present being and doing what I want to do for my life long goal of learning and self-care.

    • nikkibausch says:

      Yeah, this month I’ve been working on convincing myself that I only need to write if I want to write, and the types of things I should write should only be the kinds of things which make me happy to write. (Well, there are exceptions like translations and essays, but if it’s for my free time, then it should just be stuff I want to write.)

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