I Wish I could be Traveling right now

I can’t travel right now though. I’m supposed to be staying in St. Louis at least until the end of May 2014. Hopefully, there are no sudden issues with my graduating in the spring. I just need to finish up my BA in German with a minor in English and a professional writing certificate, then I can go on to either an internship abroad or teaching English in Europe. I’m working on a blog about Czech beer for my Special Topics in Writing: Writing in the Professional World course. I figured if I am qualified to talk about anything in Czech Republic, I am most qualified to talk about its beer, since beer is cheaper than water there. (Although, I probably drank far more coffee, cappuccino, and espresso during my year in Brno than I did beer. . .another beverage that I miss and makes me feel nostalgic about my time there.) So here I am, sitting around avoiding biology homework and feeling nostalgic for Czech beer and sights.

You can check out the beer blog here.

At least, I am working on my book again. I keep thinking that it would be easier to work on my book in Czech Republic because I require Czech sources for it, since it is partially set in Czech Republic, and partially set in Austria. But when I took over the first 30 typed Word pages to work on in Brno, I found myself preferring to focus on short stories instead. (And then during winter holiday break while I was in Norway visiting friends, all I wanted to do was work on the rewrite of my on-going fantasy project–the first draft of that, I wrote during my exchange year in Austria 2010-2011.) I am such a fickle writer. I’ve tried getting my priorities straight, but my mind doesn’t seem to want to do that. I rebel against myself. I tell myself that I must work on Mind Terrorist and my mind says, “No.” Or, I tell myself that I must work on biology homework and my mind says, “No. I want to work on Mind Terrorist.”

Maybe if a miracle occurs, by the next blog update on my main blog I will have my priorities straight. But that’s highly unlikely. My boyfriend is visiting during holiday break, and I envision that I won’t be able to get on here and update (because I’m working on the Czech beer blog for a class this semester and the last post for that will be in December, and I am also going to be translating two new interviews for my metal in translation blog). But my boyfriend will be visiting here around that time from Czech Republic. Well, he should be. . .

My Blog was Nominated for the Liebster Award! (Part I: Shout-out to Writing Gallery and Q&A)

Due to my hectic schedule and infrequent posts on here though, I haven’t been able to respond to that nomination in a timely manner. I feel a bit guilty that someone thought of me and wanted to recognize my blog, and that I haven’t been able to respond. My requirements I must fulfill for the award will be broken up into two posts. The second post will cover my four nominations for the Liebster Award and my questions. This post though, will cover the first two requirements.

I was nominated for this award by Writing Gallery, who runs her blog mostly just to practice English, being a non-native speaker, and speaks English already almost like a native speaker with very minimal exceptions. Popular topics she discusses are dealing with conflict and stress, improving one’s writing and foreign language skills (an interesting topic for me, because of my career interests). If you’re looking for a casual, laid back but well-done blog to read, you should check out Writing Gallery.

Here are the questions that Writing Gallery came up with for her nominees to answer.

1.) Iphone or Galaxy?

Neither. Due to Apple’s recent treatment of their employees in China and other countries outside of the U.S. and their massive price hikes and general unwillingness to help customers with Itunes related issues just because they don’t have a recently purchased apple device or this new Apple limited warranty service that you now have to pay extra for–although when I got my Ipod Nano it was included free for about 2 years–I haven’t bought any new Apple products in 5 years and won’t be. I don’t have a Galaxy either, but I have no issues with Samsung as a company. I actually have an Android Transform at the moment, but I’m due for an upgrade soon.

2.) What’s your favorite book?

Well, that is difficult to answer with just one title. Being a writer and a literary translator, I read a lot of books. Actually, I have a post from around February or March of this year that details some really good world literature that I hold dear to my heart. But, I won’t do the lazy thing and link to that–I’ll answer the question, with updated information, because I have read quite a lot since then. *Pulls up Goodreads page*

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar once about every three years, so I guess you could say that there’s something about the prose and feelings in that book that cause me to return to it again and again. I also enjoy short story compilations and the journals and letters of Franz Kafka. I’ve read his most famous stories in both English and German, but the journals and some of his lesser known stories, I’ve read just in German. The complexity caused by the sheer length of his behemoth sentences provide me a good warm-up for translation projects. I’m also exploring the short stories of Anne Valente, a native of St. Louis, Missouri–where I am also from. I first read a short story from her in the online literary magazine, Memorious, and have been exploring the works accessible through her portfolio. I think she has a very interesting perspective.

As for whole books, other than The Bell Jar and selected short story compilations, I remember enjoying Edith Pattou’s East, Joanne Harris’ Runemarks–I need to get around to reading the sequel to that one of these days–Cassandra Clare’s Infernal Devices Series, and pretty much everything I’ve read by Libba Bray.

3.) What’s your dream job?

If I were answering this when I was thirteen, I would say guitarist of a death metal band. But having witnessed what that lifestyle does to professional musicians, I’ve since changed my mind. (I still love playing my guitar though and writing about it.) Now, my dream job is best-selling author. With the economic climate in the States though and the majority’s general disinterest in reading literature though, this dream is probably unachievable. I think I would just really like to get to a point in my life where I can just focus on my writing and have enough of a following that I can justify the ridiculous amount of time I put into writing, revising, editing, etc.

4.) What’s motivates you to write?

Dreams, my hectic emotions, really good books and writing, looming deadlines, finding lit. mags with intriguing themes that I would like to submit to.

5.) What’s your favorite dish (food)?

Also a very difficult question to answer with just one option. I have lived in three countries besides the U.S. and sure, those countries all have culturally similar dishes, but one dish you would find in Czech Republic for example originating in Czech would be called something else in Germany or Austria and made slightly differently. I also have traveled a lot and experiment in my kitchen to find healthy but delicious recipes. Well, I guess I am really missing my favorite Czech dish, svičková na smetaně, which is beef tenderloin in a creamy sauce served with flat, white bread dumplings (Knedliky). I also really like fishes served in various sauces with couscous or rice, Wiener Schnitzel and home-made potato salad, and anything with lots of spice, peppers, and tomatoes, or involving creative usage of avocados or pomegranate.

6.) What kind of sport do you like and why?

I don’t really like any sports. However, I did used to do ballet and pointe until I developed knee problems, and the amount of strength and conditioning and practice that goes into that rivals your typical sport, I think.

7.) Nature or urban life?

I’ve experienced both, although I have more experience with urban life. It depends on the city and country though. Like if I am living in Austria, I wouldn’t mind living out on the land in the Alps, surrounded by nature. But if I am living in Czech Republic, then give me the old, foreboding architecture of Prague any day. Brno is a runner-up just because they have awesome student life and people there are just really friendly.

8.) Who influenced you the most in your life?

I don’t know. There is no one person I want to be exactly like and when I was younger I didn’t have someone who fit the traditional definition of “role model”–someone who I would want to emulate. I had people I thought were cool and I respected because they dared to be themselves. I have the same still today, and so it is hard to say who has influenced me the most when the thing I hold most important in life is being yourself.

9.) Whose blog do you like to read every day?

Well, I don’t read blogs every day, which is why I lag behind in views and networking. I just don’t have the time during classes and when I am working and trying to save money while also trying to fit time in for catching up with my lengthy goodreads to-read list and working on my projects, while trying also to keep in touch with my closest friends on a regular basis. So I can’t name any names.

10.) What’s your favorite quote or saying?

I have a lot of quotes from Nietzsche and Kafka that I really love. But I am trying to focus on ones that do not have to do with religious or personal life philosophies that would potentially alienate people from me. I also don’t want to get preachy on this. So I will post this one from Kafka , addressed to Max Brod in a letter, that amused me:

“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”

I think it puts living with panic disorder in perspective as well. 

The part II post for the Liebster Award will be posted as soon as I gather my nominees. I fear that I may not be able to reach 10 though, given my limited time and how many people I know of who already have been nominated for this award or have more than 400 followers.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

The Summer of Frustration: My Summer of Striving to Write Realistic Mental Illness, Professional first Translation Projects, and Getting Myself Interested in my own writing again

I feel like I’m stuck in a rut when it comes to my writing. I have to admit that I haven’t been able to move the plot line of Mind Terrorist forward because I just feel iffy about the scene I’m currently writing. In it, Lenore has wandered away from a bar and her friends and gotten herself lost in Prague. She gets picked up by the police in the city park and tries to evade arrest by running. (For those of you just passing by, I should mention that Lenore is no ordinary special flower. She’s just had a mental breakdown and is trekking through Europe intending to kill the man she believes is controlling her thoughts. Her friends know this and this is why the police were called.) I’m hesitant about finishing this scene, because afterwards I’m unsure where the story is going. I can’t decide if I want her to spend a night in jail or spend the night with her friends (who have become more pushy and less patient with her). It’s too early in the book for her to land in the hospital. I don’t want this to be a hospital novel, because I feel like the niche market for books about people struggling with mental illness is overpopulated by narrators in mental institutions and psych wards–I mean, that’s the most obvious place you’d look when you want to find people who are mentally ill. But the reality of the situation (and I’m more interested in my book being realistic and believable) is that the police would probably take her to the hospital, and the hospital would try to find a way to keep her since she is such an extreme danger to herself and others.

I’ve kind of switched gears this summer because of the frustration I’m having with the plot of Mind Terrorist. I’m finishing a translation project I started for a friend. My friend asked me to translate a few German language interviews with two bands we really like to English so that she could read the interview. I’m fortunate to be in contact with one of the interviewees, so if I have any uncertainties about his intended meaning of a statement or if I have trouble interpreting the mood of the conversation (the first and third parts are a round table discussion between three people), I can just run the question by him. Of course, I don’t want to irritate him–he is busy–but I am striving to translate it so that the original meaning and message of the articles are not lost. (That happens sometimes with more experienced translators, and since this is my first major translation project, I know I’m not a seasoned professional yet and I don’t want to mess it up!)

The other project I’ve switched gears to is a long-running fantasy project that I have no immediate plans to publish, but that I work on between major projects or when I’m feeling demotivated about my current project. This summer, I intend to hammer out one of the major details of my fantasy world: the fashion. Luckily, I found a doll designing template on http://www.dolldivine.com for the Showtime series, “The Tudors” that features gowns and clothing visually similar to what I envisioned for my fantasy series. Also, the template is not so strict that I have to make things exactly in the way that designers of that time period would have done them, it allows me to take various clothing details from the period and mix and match them into the kind of outfit I was envisioning. I feel like I’m wasting a lot of time doing this, but the clothing worn by my characters is a lot of the times important to the central plot. (For example, one of my female characters helps free another from the dungeons by switching clothes with her.) However, I need to minimize the amount of time I’m spending on Doll Divine making dolls, because I found myself spending the entire afternoon yesterday just making duplicate outfits for one of my characters for a certain part of the book when she is probably going to be in her nightgown about 70% of the time. I think my next mini-maintenance project for my fantasy novel will be sorting out my world’s religious practices and customs, because I’m finding this is another hole in my world that I can’t visualize through what I’ve already written.

So where do you think I should go with Mind Terrorist? I’d love to hear opinions from people in the comments, especially if they have any experience dealing with severely mentally ill people. My problem is that I don’t want the story to suddenly become unrealistic, but I also don’t want it to turn into a hospital novel. Confining Lenore to a hospital would halt the action of the story dead in its tracks.  But again, telling a realistic story is also very important to me!

Back in the States after a long Few Weeks of Travel

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t updated  the blog for a very long time. First of all, I apologize if anyone else happened to be looking out for one of my random posts. But I must explain myself. In the beginning of June, I started work on another post that requires quite a lot of research and thought. I underestimated how much time exactly it would take to put it together. As a result, I ended up burning myself out and I just had to give up temporarily on it. Then, my German history exam and all the studying I had to do to prepare for that came up. Right after taking this final exam, my boyfriend and I left for his parents’ house. That was when I became too busy to update my blog or work on my writing projects.

The last few weeks have included a day trip to a small town in Poland (the name of which I can’t remember–maybe my boyfriend will comment and remind me of the name of the city we were in 😉 ), a weekend trip to Slovakia, a weekend with my host family in Graz, Austria, moving out of my flat in Brno, three last nights in Prague with my boyfriend, being detained by security in Poland because my visa had expired the day before, and finally returning to the United States. (If anyone is interested, today I also got a haircut.) I’ve been back in the States for almost a week. I’m wondering if I should start texting people on my own, or continue to wait for them to text me, because I haven’t hung out with any of my friends since I’ve been back and everyone was so insistent that we hang out as soon as I came back. (Now, I understand there are busy exceptions who I’ve made plans with but we unfortunately cannot get together until a few weeks from now, but the amount of people bummed that I was out of the country and the amount of people calling my phone now are not equivalent. It’s an odd phenomenon, but also an experience I’ve had before. The last time I returned from a year abroad the same situation occurred. I’m at peace with the fact that people who were my good friends before I left last September will probably no longer be friends of mine next September. It happens. But nothing can make this not feel weird.

I hate how many of my international and Czech friends I will probably never see again. Or, if we do see each other again, it won’t be for a very long time. It is so weird that last month I woke up every morning next to my boyfriend and told him immediately about the nightmares and weird dreams I had. Now though, if I want to talk to him about the dreams of the night before, I must go downstairs, turn on the computer, and hope that he is on Skype. (This is another reminder that I need to ask for more people’s skype I.D.s because I only have two contacts.) It frightens me that a few of my international friends are returning to countries, which have recently become a lot less safer than they were before my friends had left (Egypt, Turkey, Syria) and I hope for the best for them and that we can meet again in the future someplace safe.

Every year for the last four years, I have felt like my life was starting over again or everything was changing and I had entered some kind of new era of my life. This year is no different. I feel like I’m starting over again from the beginning. I don’t want to do exactly what I did the last year I spent studying in the U.S. I want to try something new. I want to gain more experience working either as a German tutor or translator. But the lack of opportunities that I am finding in St. Louis right now is frustrating. I feel like I’m about to attempt to push a boulder up a hill, honestly. I’m just warming up. It’s really hard not to be overwhelmed by the frustration though, and I’m bracing myself for the next few weeks. I keep telling myself that I just started looking and that it will take some time. However, I don’t listen. I’ve always been stubborn.

Reasons why Setting aside time for studying Results more often in Completed Short Stories than a Good Grade on a Test

At least, for me it does.

For the past week, I’ve been setting aside 3-4 hours per day to read through the sections of my German linguistics text book that I am guessing will be on the exam later this week. But it’s a really heavy, yet dry task. Nearly all of the vocabulary is new and there are so many unfamiliar abbreviations within the texts that my professors copy-pasta’d into some Word documents and did not bother to explain in class or on the text itself, that I am constantly having to google. I feel like I am learning more about German shorthand than I am about linguistics.

Not to mention, nearly all of the vocabulary is new and it doesn’t help that with the introduction of every single new word, they are also giving me the word in Latin and Greek (yes, Greek letters included), as if this is helpful or important. As you can guess, I am becoming frustrated. This weekend, I have completed more stories and made more progress on my ongoing saga about Lenore, the Schizophrenic who someone let move to Austria against their better judgment and take a holiday in Prague, than any actual studying. I feel really good about my writing career, but terribly uncertain about my future in translation. Also, I’m not even sure when the exam is, so wish me luck. I think I may end up like poor Lenore: mad, raving, and wandering around Prague in search of absinthe.

I Know you are Reading this. . .Why don’t you ever say anything?

Sometimes, I just don’t know why I even bother writing anymore. I should stop talking about writing too, because it attracts all sorts of curiosity at first about what exactly I am writing. But when I put things out, it turns out no one is actually interested. This is part of the reason why I deleted 367 people from my personal Facebook page this week. I’m getting really fed up with all the fake encouragement I get from people concerning my writing, and then when I put something out they’re nowhere to be found or have better things to do than read what I’ve written. So why should I have 367 people on my personal facebook page who I don’t actually know all up in my personal business when only about 5 of them can be bothered to actually read my blog updates (either here or on Tumblr) or read my short stories? I’m not a personality to be collected on Facebook, and I’m not living my life solely just to entertain people. What I don’t get is why there is more of an interest in my personal life and my facebook posts than the stories and blogs that I have written specifically to be read and consumed by other people?

I don’t know why I bother with modeling either. I’m not really getting many paying gigs anymore, nor do my photos get much attention outside of attracting the occasional stranger online who thinks that social networks are solely for hitting on people who have it written on their profiles that they are “in a relationship”. I am just fed up and contemplating ending my modeling activities all together, because my intentions with it are not to attract people who can’t go to a bar for some reason to hit on people, nor are they just for me to look at. I only have a portfolio of images of myself because I need the fucking money. And if no one wants to pay me/think that I should just cover all the hundreds of dollars of traveling expenses on my own so that they can expand their portfolio, then I see no point in having a modeling portfolio. I see no point in working in that industry anymore.

I just feel stuck. I am stuck in a writer’s block and can’t go further with the plot of my novel for some reason. I am stuck between regular gigs and no longer getting offers for gigs that I could actually make a living off of. I have one more page to write of my German essay and I have nothing for it. I just feel like such a failure. And then the fact that I update this blog–or try to–fairly regularly and I hear absolutely nothing from anyone. I see there are activities on it, but it seems like no one has anything to say to me? Questions? Comments? Complaints? Insults? Etc.? I am paranoid that I am just talking to a bunch of spambots. . .